An Attempt At Understanding

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Today I did something!

I can't believe I got myself a full time job. Accepted. Deal sealed. The commitmentphobe in me is starting to feel flickers of panic. I've never had a real full-time job before. Not one where you're expected to stay and learn and grow with the job. This one will involve personal relationships with people, to whom I am now obligated. Should be very scary. Kind of is. But something's different about this. I think I need this experience -- not "the full-time job" experience, but the experience of working with the mentally ill in this capacity. There's so much I want to learn and so much I will learn that I don't yet know exists. That's exciting. I've been waiting for this opportunity for a long time. Life is short, I'm taking it. I'm feeling really excited for this chapter to begin and really grateful for the powerful synchronicity the Universe never ceases to marvel me with.

Also, today I finally got up the balls to call my former boss-type and make him pay me the wages he's owed me for six months. I had him. He knew it. He payed. I felt proud.

Monday, December 12, 2011

From One Love Addict to Another

To xxxx:

I bet you’re lonely. I am too. What a couple of sad, sorry fuckers.

Yet here I am, over two years and three thousand miles away from our experience, thinking about you. It makes me want to smash my head against the wall. Its so stupid.

The last email I sent was a bit hoity-toity and delusional, as if we were ever anything more than a collision of our respective fear and loneliness. Outside of both having stars in our eyes, and outside of sighing the same kind of sighs, we’ve got nothing at all.

But some drive inside of me still wants to make you fall in love with me. I bet if you ever did fall in love with me, I’d leave you and justify it by calling it revenge. You would deserve it. Of course, that would make all of this a ridiculous waste of time. Except that then I would feel that I finished what I started. But all I’d have gotten out of it was a fake relationship. It wouldn’t bring me any closer to knowing what it is that everyone else in my life seems to know. What it is to be in love with a real person. I’ve never had that. My love affairs have all been conterfeit. I’m scared of the real thing. I’m scared it won’t be as good as fantasy. What I want above all things, including real love, is for the fantasy to be real. I guess I believe in making life what you want it to be, with the power of imagination. I’ve blamed you for not being who I want you to be.

I have a question, and maybe there’s no answer to it, but I will ask it anyway. Why didn’t you fall in love with me? Perhaps if you could give me some reason, I could come to understand that this fantasy can’t be real. But I just don’t understand it. So I keep wanting it to be real. And I’ll continue to want it to be real indefinitely. As such, I will remain alone. But perhaps this is all digression and regression from my original point. You have nothing to do with it. Its just my fear and loneliness.

Do you want to discuss in real terms, what we each represented for the other? Perhaps if we can acknowledge these things, they will go away? I want to be able to move on with my life. Time is pouring by so quickly. I just want to let go.

I feel like I love you,

J.J.